Nonsense Songs, Stories, Botany and Alphabets · Edward Lear
CHAPTER XIV.
CONCLUSION.
And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling,
and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course,
they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes;
having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent
lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the
stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue
sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles,
should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be
labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be
placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection
and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous
public.
And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in
the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four
hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing
of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not,
you certainly will not see them.
NONSENSE COOKERY.
Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.
"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our
valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of
culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The
first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of
every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and
we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our
readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are
found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the
summit of the Hill Orfeltugg."
THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.
TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.
Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a
small pipkin.
Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which
add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.
When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them
out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well
previously.
Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered
gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.
Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back
again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan
violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.
Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the
same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number
of oysters.
Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from
time to time.
Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as
possible.
TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.
Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest
possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps
nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new
clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon
or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the
roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it
there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a
few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified
Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean
table-cloth or dinner-napkin.
TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.
Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a
post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast
chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats
these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of
foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste,
and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig
violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain
if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky
Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let
loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
NONSENSE BOTANY.
NONSENSE ALPHABETS.
A
A was an ant
Who seldom stood still,
And who made a nice house
In the side of a hill.
a!
Nice little ant!
B
B was a book
With a binding of blue,
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
b!
Nice little book!
C
C was a cat
Who ran after a rat;
But his courage did fail
When she seized on his tail.
c!
Crafty old cat!
D
D was a duck
With spots on his back,
Who lived in the water,
And always said "Quack!"
d!
Dear little duck!
E
E was an elephant,
Stately and wise:
He had tusks and a trunk,
And two queer little eyes.
e!
Oh, what funny small eyes!
F
F was a fish
Who was caught in a net;
But he got out again,
And is quite alive yet.
f!
Lively young fish!
G
G was a goat
Who was spotted with brown:
When he did not lie still
He walked up and down.
g!
Good little goat!
H
H was a hat
Which was all on one side;
Its crown was too high,
And its brim was too wide.
h!
Oh, what a hat!
I
I was some ice
So white and so nice,
But which nobody tasted;
And so it was wasted.
i!
All that good ice!
J
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
j!
All through the town!
K
K was a kite
Which flew out of sight,
Above houses so high,
Quite into the sky.
k
Fly away, kite!
L
L was a light
Which burned all the night,
And lighted the gloom
Of a very dark room.
l!
Useful nice light!
M
M was a mill
Which stood on a hill,
And turned round and round
With a loud hummy sound.
m!
Useful old mill!
N
N was a net
Which was thrown in the sea
To catch fish for dinner
For you and for me.
n!
Nice little net!
O
O was an orange
So yellow and round:
When it fell off the tree,
It fell down to the ground.
o!
Down to the ground!
P
P was a pig,
Who was not very big;
But his tail was too curly,
And that made him surly.
p!
Cross little pig!
Q
Q was a quail
With a very short tail;
And he fed upon corn
In the evening and morn.
q!
Quaint little quail!
R
R was a rabbit,
Who had a bad habit
Of eating the flowers
In gardens and bowers.
r!
Naughty fat rabbit!
S
S was the sugar-tongs,
Nippity-nee,
To take up the sugar
To put in our tea.
s!
Nippity-nee!
T
T was a tortoise,
All yellow and black:
He walked slowly away,
And he never came back.
t!
Torty never came back!
U
U was an urn
All polished and bright,
And full of hot water
At noon and at night.
u!
Useful old urn!
V
V was a villa
Which stood on a hill,
By the side of a river,
And close to a mill.
v!
Nice little villa!
W
W was a whale
With a very long tail,
Whose movements were frantic
Across the Atlantic.
w!
Monstrous old whale!
X
X was King Xerxes,
Who, more than all Turks, is
Renowned for his fashion
Of fury and passion.
x!
Angry old Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yew,
Which flourished and grew
By a quiet abode
Near the side of a road.
y!
Dark little yew!
Z
Z was some zinc,
So shiny and bright,
Which caused you to wink
In the sun's merry light.
z!
Beautiful zinc!
A
a
A was once an apple-pie,
Pidy,
Widy,
Tidy,
Pidy,
Nice insidy,
Apple-pie!
B
b
B was once a little bear,
Beary,
Wary,
Hairy,
Beary,
Taky cary,
Little bear!
C
c
C was once a little cake,
Caky,
Baky,
Maky,
Caky,
Taky caky,
Little cake!
D
d
D was once a little doll,
Dolly,
Molly,
Polly,
Nolly,
Nursy dolly,
Little doll!
E
e
E was once a little eel,
Eely,
Weely,
Peely,
Eely,
Twirly, tweely,
Little eel!
F
f
F was once a little fish,
Fishy,
Wishy,
Squishy,
Fishy,
In a dishy,
Little fish!
G
g
G was once a little goose,
Goosy,
Moosy,
Boosey,
Goosey,
Waddly-woosy,
Little goose!
H
h
H was once a little hen,
Henny,
Chenny,
Tenny,
Henny.
Eggsy-any,
Little hen?
I
i
I was once a bottle of ink
Inky,
Dinky,
Thinky,
Inky,
Blacky minky,
Bottle of ink!
J
j
J was once a jar of jam,
Jammy,
Mammy,
Clammy,
Jammy,
Sweety, swammy,
Jar of jam!
K
k
K was once a little kite,
Kity,
Whity,
Flighty,
Kity,
Out of sighty,
Little kite!
L
l
L was once a little lark,
Larky,
Marky,
Harky,
Larky,
In the parky,
Little lark!
M
m
M was once a little mouse,
Mousy,
Bousy,
Sousy,
Mousy,
In the housy,
Little mouse!
N
n
N was once a little needle,
Needly,
Tweedly,
Threedly,
Needly,
Wisky, wheedly,
Little needle!
O
o
O was once a little owl,
Owly,
Prowly,
Howly,
Owly,
Browny fowly,
Little owl!
P
p
P was once a little pump,
Pumpy,
Slumpy,
Flumpy,
Pumpy,
Dumpy, thumpy,
Little pump!
Q
q
Q was once a little quail,
Quaily,
Faily,
Daily,
Quaily,
Stumpy-taily,
Little quail!
R
r
R was once a little rose,
Rosy,
Posy,
Nosy,
Rosy,
Blows-y, grows-y,
Little rose!
S
s
S was once a little shrimp,
Shrimpy,
Nimpy,
Flimpy,
Shrimpy.
Jumpy, jimpy,
Little shrimp!
T
t
T was once a little thrush,
Thrushy,
Hushy,
Bushy,
Thrushy,
Flitty, flushy,
Little thrush!
U
u
U was once a little urn,
Urny,
Burny,
Turny,
Urny,
Bubbly, burny,
Little urn!
V
v
V was once a little vine,
Viny,
Winy,
Twiny,
Viny,
Twisty-twiny,
Little vine!
W
w
W was once a whale,
Whaly,
Scaly,
Shaly,
Whaly,
Tumbly-taily,
Mighty whale!
X
x
X was once a great king Xerxes,
Xerxy,
Perxy,
Turxy,
Xerxy,
Linxy, lurxy,
Great King Xerxes!
Y
y
Y was once a little yew,
Yewdy,
Fewdy,
Crudy,
Yewdy,
Growdy, grewdy,
Little yew!
Z
z
Z was once a piece of zinc,
Tinky,
Winky,
Blinky,
Tinky,
Tinkly minky,
Piece of zinc!
A
A was an ape,
Who stole some white tape,
And tied up his toes
In four beautiful bows.
a!
Funny old ape!
B
B was a bat,
Who slept all the day,
And fluttered about
When the sun went away.
b!
Brown little bat!
C
C was a camel:
You rode on his hump;
And if you fell off,
You came down such a bump!
c!
What a high camel!
D
D was a dove,
Who lived in a wood,
With such pretty soft wings,
And so gentle and good!
d!
Dear little dove!
E
E was an eagle,
Who sat on the rocks,
And looked down on the fields
And the-far-away flocks.
e!
Beautiful eagle!
F
F was a fan
Made of beautiful stuff;
And when it was used,
It went puffy-puff-puff!
f!
Nice little fan!
G
G was a gooseberry,
Perfectly red;
To be made into jam,
And eaten with bread.
g!
Gooseberry red!
H
H was a heron,
Who stood in a stream:
The length of his neck
And his legs was extreme.
h!
Long-legged heron!
I
I was an inkstand,
Which stood on a table,
With a nice pen to write with
When we are able.
i!
Neat little inkstand!
J
J was a jug,
So pretty and white,
With fresh water in it
At morning and night.
j!
Nice little jug!
K
K was a kingfisher:
Quickly he flew,
So bright and so pretty!--
Green, purple, and blue.
k!
Kingfisher blue!
L
L was a lily,
So white and so sweet!
To see it and smell it
Was quite a nice treat.
l!
Beautiful lily!
M
M was a man,
Who walked round and round;
And he wore a long coat
That came down to the ground.
m!
Funny old man!
N
N was a nut
So smooth and so brown!
And when it was ripe,
It fell tumble-dum-down.
n!
Nice little nut!
O
O was an oyster,
Who lived in his shell:
If you let him alone,
He felt perfectly well.
o!
Open-mouthed oyster!
P
P was a polly,
All red, blue, and green,--
The most beautiful polly
That ever was seen.
p!
Poor little polly!
Q
Q was a quill
Made into a pen;
But I do not know where,
And I cannot say when.
q!
Nice little quill!
R
R was a rattlesnake,
Rolled up so tight,
Those who saw him ran quickly,
For fear he should bite.
r!
Rattlesnake bite!
S
S was a screw
To screw down a box;
And then it was fastened
Without any locks.
s!
Valuable screw!
T
T was a thimble,
Of silver so bright!
When placed on the finger,
It fitted so tight!
t!
Nice little thimble!
U
U was an upper-coat,
Woolly and warm,
To wear over all
In the snow or the storm.
u!
What a nice upper-coat!
V
V was a veil
With a border upon it,
And a ribbon to tie it
All round a pink bonnet.
v!
Pretty green veil!
W
W was a watch,
Where, in letters of gold,
The hour of the day
You might always behold.
w!
Beautiful watch!
X
X was King Xerxes,
Who wore on his head
A mighty large turban,
Green, yellow, and red.
x!
Look at King Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yak,
From the land of Thibet:
Except his white tail,
He was all black as jet.
y!
Look at the yak!
Z
Z was a zebra,
All striped white and black;
And if he were tame,
You might ride on his back.
z!
Pretty striped zebra!
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